If someone you love has been affected by sexual violence it's important to understand the feelings and behaviors she/he may be experiencing - and how you can help.
Be aware of the variety of feelings that are common for rape survivors:
- Fear
- Guilt
- Loss of control/powerlessness
- Embarrassment
- Anxiety resulting in shaking, experiencing nightmares
- Shame
- Anger
- Emotional shock
- Disbelief
- Depression
- Disorientation
- Denial
- Insomnia
- Eating disorders
- Flashbacks
Understand that every survivor of sexual violence reacts differently.
This is how you can help:
- Believe what the survivor is telling you; accept what you hear without judgment
- Listen actively and openly
- Reinforce that the rape was not the survivor's fault
- Do not suggest that you know how the survivor feels; everyone reacts differently to trauma and you want to avoid saying anything that may appear that you are minimizing the survivor's own experience
- Be sincere
- Attempt to establish trust and rapport; be available
- Look for opportunities to point out the survivor's strengths and positive aspects
- Ask open-ended questions to elicit a full response
- Present alternatives so the survivor can make a choice; suggest calling an advocate to locate the rape crisis center nearest you
- Accept the survivor's decisions in dealing with the rape
- Be aware of your limitations
- Be careful not to play a role that is not natural to you
- Try not to tell the survivor what to do
- Silence is okay
- Don't take it personally should the survivor direct negative feelings toward you
- Do not argue with the survivor or engage in a power struggle
- Know that you cannot "cure" anyone
- Be patient; allow the survivor to talk when ready, at his or her own pace, including whatever details are comfortable to disclose
- Offer support but be careful not to be overprotective
- Do not suggest that survivor simply put the rape in the past and move on with life
- Respect the survivor's need for privacy and time alone
- Be careful not to trivialize the rape in an effort to ease tension
- Do not threaten to take the law into your own hands
- Be conscious of expressing anger if survivor waited to tell you about the rape or is reluctant to talk
- Constantly repeat that the survivor did nothing to cause the rape; and is in no way responsible for what has happened
- Just be there
The survivor may also suffer from Rape Trauma Syndrome. Learning more about the stages of this syndrome will help you support the survivor.